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Male Masturbation Slang Terms

A A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters
Abusing the usual suspect
Adjusting the antenna
Adjusting your set
Aiding and abetting a known felon
Angry fist action
Anointing the Beloved
Answer the Bone-A-Phone
Answering Ascarias
Answering the Bone-A-Phone
Applying the hand brake
Arguing with Henry Longfellow
Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
Arm-wrestling the purple-headed stormtrooper
Asking for a second opinion (your second head)
Assault on a Friendly Weapon
Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
Attending to the throb knob needs
Auditioning the hand puppet
Auditioning your finger puppets
Backstroke Roulette
Badgering the witness
Baiting your hook
Ball off
Ball slappin' fun
Bang the Bishop
Bangin' your bacon
Banging one out
Banging the Cyclops
Baptizing Bethesda
Baptizing John
Baptizing the Ball sack
Barking up the wrong tree
Bash the bishop
Bash The Candle
Bashing the Bishop
Bashing the candle
Bashing the pear
Basting the ham
Batting Practice
Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger
Be your own best friend
Beat Off
Beat the bologna
Beat the pud
Beat up your date
Beat your hog
Beatin' Bobby
Beating Baal
Beating Bob and the twins
Beating Jack
Beating off
Beating the Altar Boy
Beating the Bait
Beating the balloon
Beating the balogna
Beating the beagle
Beating the bed flute
Beating the Bishop
Beating the Dummy
Beating the fuck out of your best friend
Beating the goat
Beating the old man
Beating the pud
Beating the shit out of your incapacitated midget
Beating the Snake
Beating the snot outta Rotney
Beating the snotty end of my fuck stick
Beating the stick
Beating your Meat
Beef tips stroking off
Being a virtuoso of the skin flute
Being rough with the sex stick
Being your Own Best Friend
Belaboring the obvious
Belt your hog
Biblical Bending
Biffing off
Big date with Rosy Palms
Bleed the lizard
bleed the serpent
Bleed the Weed
Bleeding the weed
Blessed Relief
Blessing the alter boy
Blow Your Load
Blow your own horn
Blowing your load
Blowing your own horn
Bludgeon the Beefsteak
Blueball baseball
Blue-ball buster
Bobbing your boloney
Bonging your shlong
Booting up the hard drive
Bop the Bald Bishop until he Barfs
Bop the bishop
Bop the boa
Bop the bonzo
Boppin' your Bologna
Bopping Richard
Bopping the baloney
Bopping the bishop
Bopping the Bonzo
Bouncing the bunny
Bowing to Mecca
Box the Jesuit
Box with Richard
Boxing Oscar
Boxing Oscar in the closet
Boxing the bald champ
Boxing the clown
Boxing the Jesuit
Boxing the Jesuit and getting cockroaches
Boxing the one-eyed clown
Boxing the trouser mouse
Boxing with Richard
Breaking the 11th Commandment
Breaking the fish tank
Brushing up on your typing skills
Buckin' it
Buffin' the bishop
Buffing my wand
Buffing the Banana
Buffing the pickle
Buffing the rifle
Buffing the wood
Buffing your nuts
Bugger your hand
Building upper-body strength
Bunning your hot dog
Burning off a few calories
Burp the baby
Burping the Bishop
Burping the Worm
Bust a nut
Busting a nut
Butter the Lobster
Butter Your Corn
Buttering your corn
Cajun clown fucking
Calling All Cum
Calling Down For More Mayo
Calling genie
Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis
Calling in the secret service
Caning the vandal
Caping the crusader
Captain Jack (personified)
Capturing the bishop
Carrying Weight
Cast off
Casting off
Caulking the cracks
Causing Sidartha to Barfa
Chafe the Chapel
Chafing The Carrot
Chafing the Chalice
Chafing the weasel
Change Gears
Changing your oil
Charm the cobra
Charm the snake
Charming the cobra
Charming the one-eyed trouser snake
Charming the snake
Chase the Weasel
Cheap date
Cheating on your other hand
Check for testicular cancer
Checking the plumbing
Cheese off
Cheesing off
Chicken milking
Chilling the dill
Chisel The Carrot
Choaking Charlie 'till He Throws Up
Choke Kojak
Choke the Bishop
Choke the chicken
Choke the Serriff and Wait for the Posse to Come
Choke your Chicken
Choking Charlie 'till he throws up
Choking Kojak
Choking the bald guy until he pukes
Choking the chicken
Choking the hog
Choking the pirate
Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
Choking your chicken
Choking yourself into emission
Chopping down
Chucking one in the sink
Chucking the yogurt
Churning Sacrilege
Churning your butter
Civil War
Clamping the pipe
Clean the Pipes
Clean your Rifle
Cleaning out your account
Cleaning out your Rope
Cleaning the pipes
Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops
Cleaning your rifle
Clear the snorkel
Clearing the snorkel
Climb the tree
Climbin' the tree
Climbing Mount Baldy
Climbing Mt. Barbell (for guys with pierced dicks)
Climbing the corporate ladder
Clobbering the bad guy
Clobbering the Kleenex
Closet Frisbee
Clubbing Eddy
Clubbing the baby seal
Clubbing the clam
Clubbing the dolphin
Clubbing the dummy
Coating Prince William Sound with love oil
Coax the cajones
Cocking the rifle
Collecting a specimen
Combing the hair on
Coming into your own
Coming to grips with the situation
Coming to grips with yourself
Committing mass spermicide
Communing with nature
Consulting with your silent partner
Cooking the cream of cock
Cooking with Wong
Corral your tadpole
Corralling the tadpoles
Couch Hockey for One
Cough your filthy yogurt
Coveting the centerfold
Cracking one off
Crank the love pump
Crank the Shank
Crank yanking
Cranking For Cum
Cranking one off
Cranking the love pump
Cranking the monkey
Cranking the shank
Creaming the banana
Crimp the wire
Crimping the wire
Crossing Yourself
Crown the King
Crowning the king
Crowning your thorn
Crushing pop cans in the dark
Cuddle the kielbasa
Cuff the carrot
Cuff the governor
Cuffing the carrot
Cuffing the dummy
Cuffing the Puppy
Cum The Scum
Custer's Last Stand
Dancing in the dragon's fiery breath
Dancing round the maypole
Dancing the two-fisted tango
Dancing with Johnnie One-Eye
Dancing with the one-eyed sailor
Date Miss Michigan
Date Mother Palm
Date Mother Palm and Her Five Daughters
Date Mrs. Palmer
Date Rosie Palm
Date with Rosy Palms
Dating Miss Michigan (think geography)
Dating Mother Palm and her five daughters
Dating Rosie Palm and her five sisters
Debugging the hard drive
Decongesting the weasel
Defrosting the fridge
Detoxifying the puppy
Devil's Handshake (Catholic School)
Dick Off
Dick whacking
Diddle the Diocese
Diddle the Discordian
Diddle whacking
Diddle yourself
Digging for change
Digital penile oscillation
Digitally oscillating one's penis
Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile
Disciplining the primate
Discovering your own potential
Dishonorable Discharge
Disrobing Jobe
Distributing free literature
Do handiwork
Do it your way
Do the Dew
Do the janitor thing
Do the white knuckler
Doddle Whacking
Dogger Bank
Doin' a loner with your boner
Doin' the solitary rhumba
Doing a hand job
Doing an impression of Goofy
Doing battle with the Purple-Helmeted Warrior of Love
Doing handiwork
Doing it your way
Doing the five-knuckle shuffle
Doing the hand jive
Doing the hand-cooter
Doing the human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT
Doing the janitor thing
Doing the knuckle shuffle on your piss pump
Doing the plotkin
Doing the pork sword jiggle
Doing the sin of Onan
Doing the White Knuckler
Doing what the priest taught me
Doing your homework
Doing your own thing
Dong flogging
Doodle Your Noodle
Downing at the club (for members only)
Downing the pitcher
Drain the Dragon
Drain the Monster
Drain the Vein
Draining the dragon
Draining the lizard
Draining the main vein
Draining the monster
Draining the one-eyed monster
Draining the poisons from the building
Draining the vats
Draining the vein
Drip the pickle
Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust
Driving the skin bus
Drop off a load
Droppin' a wad of hot wax
Dropping A Line
Dropping a line
Dropping Stomach Pancakes
Dropping the kids off at the pool
Drubbing the dolphin
Dry humping the ottoman
Duking the Bishop
Dundering the devil-dolphin
Dunk your dolphin
Eating grapes with the one-armed man
Eberting Siskel
Eeking Somorah (some more of) Gomorrah
Electing the President
Emptying your sex pistol
Engage in safe sex
Engaging in safe sex
Erupting Ol' Faithful
Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell
Evicting the testicular squatters
Excorcise "it"
Exercise one's right
Exercising your right to privacy
Falling in love with your right hand
Fastening the chin strap
Faxing Jimmy Dean
Faxing the Pope
Feed the ducks
Feeding bologna to the Smurfs
Feeding the chooks
Feeding the ducks
Feeling your way around
Fertilizing the Lawn
Fetch the bagel dog
Fetching milk
Fiddle the ferret
Fiddle the flesh flute
Fight your turkey
Filling Charlie's magic sock
Filling the grail
Finding yourself
Firing the flesh musket
Firing the love rifle
Firing the pound gun
Firing the presidential staff
Firing the Surgeon General
Firm Your Worm
Firming your worm
Fishing for the two-toned trouser trout
Fishing for zipper trout
Fishing with dynamite
Fist Fuck
Fist fucking
Fist kabobing
Fist your Mister
Fisting your mister
Five Against One
Five Daughters
Five Finger Knuckle Shuffle
Five Knuckle Olympics
Five knuckle shuffle on
Five on one
Five-Digit Shuffle
Five-finger discount
Five-finger solo
Five-knuckle chuckle
Five-knuckle-shuffle on the old piss pump
Fixing the toilet
Flapping Takkie (South African)
Flavoring the mahtzo cracker
Flaying the Emperor
Flesh Twinkie
Flick on over the thumb
Flick your Bic
Flicking the bic
Fling your phallus
Flip the bishop
Flipping the Bishop
Flipping your omelet
Float potential down the Nile
Flog the Dog
Flog the Dolphin
Flog the dong
Flog the mule
Flog yourself
Floggin' the log
Flogging the Bishop
Flogging the dog
Flogging the dolphin
Flogging the dong
Flogging the egg man
Flogging the frog
Flogging the General
Flogging the hog
Flogging the log
Flogging the mule
Flogging the salami
Flogging Your Dong
Flogging your dumber brother
Flogging Your Log
Flogging your stob
Flong your dong
Fluffing the pillow
Flute Solo
Fly fishing
Flying a Kite
Following my bliss
Fondle a Pharisee
Fondle the Fig
Fondle the fundamentalist
Fondle the Pharoah
Fondle your flagpole
Fondling the fig
Fondling the fisherman
Fondling the fountain
Fooling with your tool
for the Posse to Come
Foreplay with Fistina
Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in 'Nam)
Free Willy
Freeing Barrabus
Freeing the hostages
Freeing the Willies
Freeing Willy
Freeing your dick fish into the gene pool
Friction therapy
Frigging the Love Muscle
Frigging the love muscle (British)
Frosting the pastries
Frosting your maple bar
Froth the Creator
Frying up the corndog
Fuck Mary Fist
Fucking a pillow
Fucking Mrs. Fist, the five-fingered widow
Fun with friction
Gallop the Antelope
Gallop the Maggot
Gallop the old lizard
Galloping the antelope
Galloping the old lizard
Ganging the plank
Gardening with the golden trowel
Genital stimulation via
Get a date with Slick Mittens
Get a hold of yourself
Get the German soldier marching
Get to know yourself
Get your nuts off
Get your pole varnished
Gettin' jizzy with it
Getting a date with Slick Mittens
Getting a grip on things
Getting a load off my mind
Getting a milk mustache
Getting a stiffy
Getting busy
Getting chafed
Getting in touch with your manhood
Getting In Touch With Yourself
Getting off
Getting tennis elbow
Getting the dirty water off your chest
Getting the German soldier marching
Getting the glue stick
Getting to know Miss Michigan
Getting to Know Yourself
Getting to Know Yourself Personally in the "Biblical Sense"
Getting Your Caps Peeled
Getting your exercise
Getting' your oil checked
Getting your palm read by Mister Softee
Getting your palm red
Getting your pole varnished
Gherkin jerkin'
Give your low five
Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie
Giving it a good once over
Giving it a Tug
Giving Ms. Palm and and her five sisters a ride on the meat train
Giving the half-blind dog a
Giving the John Hancock
Giving the pink Mustang a lube job
Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine
Giving the seamen shore leave
Giving your employee a raise
Giving yourself a dishonorable discharge
Giving yourself a hand
Giving yourself a happy ending
Giving yourself a helping hand
Giving yourself a low five
Glazing the donut
Gluing the lady's eye's shut
Go a couple of rounds with ol' Josh
Go blind
Go on a date with Fisty Palmer
Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela
Go the blow
Going a couple of rounds with ol' Josh
Going blind
Going for the gold
Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader's head
Going into battle with the purple-helmeted warrior
Going on a date with Handrea and Palmela
Going on a date with Rosey Palm and the five daughters
Going on Peewee's little adventure
Going steady with my bouncing Betty
Going the blow
Going to the basement
Goose the gherkin
Grappling the gorilla
Grease the axle
Grease the Grail
Grease the Pipe
Grease the sprocket
Greasin' up my love monkey
Greasing the axle
Greasing the flagpole
Greasing the monkey
Greasing the pipe
Greasing the three-legged cow
Greasing your Bone
Grip your dip
Gripping the pencil
Grooming your junior
Grope the Gregorian
Hack the Hog
Hailing the heavens hair on my palms?" (sung tunefully)
Ham Shank
Han Solo
Hand dancing
Hand jive
Hand job
Hand Shandy
Hand Solo
Hand to Gland Combat
Hand to hand combat with the purple helmeted warrior
Hand Work
Handling heavy equipment
Handling the hound
Hands on Training
Hand-starting the one-eyed yogurt thrower
Hand-to-gland combat
Handy work
Hanging judas til he pukes pennies
Hanging out with Peter Tork
Hanging the old man
Hard labor
Harping on Happy Harry Hard-on
Hatchin' a batch
Have it Off
Have One Off the Wrist
Having a ball
Having a Barclays Bank
Having a bat
Having a chuff
Having a conversation with the one-eyed trouser snake
Having a date with Fisty Palmer
Having a date with Mrs. Thumb and her 4 daughters
Having a date with Rosie Palm and her five sisters
Having a ham shank
Having a J. Arthur (British special, after J. Arthur Rank, it's rhyming slang)
Having a one-night-stand with yourself
Having a play date with your little friend
Having a pull
Having a puppet show in your pants
Having a Roy (Australian)
Having a Sherman (British)
Having a staff meeting
Having a tommy tank
Having a tug
Having a tug-of-war with the cyclops
Having an arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
Having dinner
Having group sex with five friends
Having it off
Having one off the wrist
Having sex with someone you love
He Throws Up
Healing the leper
Heating up the hot dog
Heaving the heathen handhold
Help Holofernes get his head off
Helping Mr. Happy
Hit the Ham
Hitchhike Under the Big Top
Hitchhiking to heaven
Hitching to Heaven
Hitting a homerun at a tee ball game
Hitting the ham
Hitting the sack
Hitting the speedbump
Hitting too close to home
Hoisting the flag
Hoisting your own petard
Hold the bishop
Hold the sausage hostage
Holding All The Cards
Holding my own
Holding your own
Holding Your Sausage Hostage
Hone the cone
Hone your Bone
Honing the cone
Honing your bone
Honk your horn
Honking the bobo
Honoring St. Dick
Hosing down the driveway
Hotfooting it to the nearest exit
Huffing on the hoagie
Hug the hog
Hugging the hog
Hugging the sausage
Hump the Halo
Hump your Fist
Hump your Hose
Humpin' air
Humping your fist
Humping your hose
in the bathroom tile
In the hand
Interrogating the witness
Investing in pork bellies
Invoking Babylon
Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell
Irking the dude
Ironing some wrinkles
J. Arthur Rank (British rhyming slang - wank)
Jack Hammer
Jack hammering
Jack Off
Jackin' the Beanstalk
Jackin' your meat
Jacking off
Jacking up the hot rod
Jag Off
Jam with Jah
Jammin' your jimmy
Jarring Jehovah
Jazz Yourself
Jazzing yourself
Jelly Roll
Jenny Mccarthy Jaunt
Jerk Jamby
Jerk Off
Jerk the Gherkin
Jerk the Johnson
Jerken the gurkin
Jerkin Jah
Jerkin' the gherkin
Jerkin' the joystick
Jerkin' your beef
Jerking Jamby
Jerking off
Jerking the apostle
Jerking the Johnson
Jerking the turkey
Jerking yanking daisy-chaining
Jiggle the Jewelry
Jiggling your Johnson
Jimmying your Joey
Jogging the lizard
Joining the Navy
Jolting Jesus
Joshing it
Jostle the apostle
Juggling Jesus' Jawbreakers
Juggling the javelin
Juice the Judas
Juice the Moose
Juicing the jizz monster
Jumping the jock
Just combing my hair
Just jerkin' it
Keep the census down
Keeping the Optometrists in business
Kick one out
Kicking seamen
Kicking your roommate out for five to ten minutes to "call your parents"
kids through college
Killing it
Killing kittens
Killing the Beast
Killing the bird on punches
Kneading my knockwurst
Kneeding the bread
Knock the nun
Knock the Top Off
Knockin' over the weeble
Knocking one off
Knocking the top off
Knuckle nobbing
Knuckle shuffle
Knuckle Shuffle on the ol' piss pump
Knuckling the bone
Krushing Krishna
Launching the Hand Shuttle
Launching the morning missile
Launching the rocket
Laying the smack down on yourself
Leakin' the Main Drain
Left to your own devices
Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster
Letting the cat out of the bag
Lifting Lazarus
Lighting the Altar Candle
Lighting the lava lamp
Liquidating the inventory
Living by the fat of the hand
Living it up
Lizard milking
Locking the bathroom door
Look for ticks
Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne
Looking for ticks
Loping your Mule
Love the lingum
Love the Muppet
Love's labors lost
Loving the lizard
Loving the muppet
Lubing the tube
Lubricating the love monkey
Lynching the one-eyed monster
Make a foreskin cone
Make instant pudding
Make like Hans Solo and stroke your wookie
Make the bald man puke
Makin' gravy for the biscuit
Makin' mary magdalene's gum ointment
Makin' moonshine
Making a cash withdrawal
Making a fist sandwich
Making a foreskin cone
Making a knuckle hot dog
Making Baby Jesus Cry
Making chowder with sailor Ned
Making free hand lotion
Making friends with Big Ed
Making instant pudding
Making it up as you go along
Making magic with leftovers
Making Nut Butter
Making soup
Making soup for one
Making special sauce with frank and beans
Making the Bald Guy Puke
Making the bald man cry
Making the bread rise
Making the camel spit
Making the Cyclops cry
Making the cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up
Making the llama spit
Making the piggy squeal
Making the scene with the magazine
Making the world safe for democracy
Making vanilla jism shakes
Making with the tadpoles
Making Yogurt
Making yourself at home
Mangle the Midget
Mangle the One-eyed Monk
Mangling Methusula
Mangling Methusula
Mangling the midget
Manhandling the manhood
Manhandling your man-handle
Manipulate the Mango
Manning the cockpit
Manual exercise
Manual labor
Manual override
Manual pollution
Masonic Secret Self Handshake
Massage your Muscle
Massage your Purple-Headed Warrior
Massaging Mr. Ho-Ho
Massaging the mink
Massaging your muscle
Massaging your purple-headed warrior
Master Bacon
Measuring for condoms
Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
Medical wankorama
Medieval folk dancing
Meeting Mary Palm and her five sisters
Meeting Rosie Hancock
Meeting with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
Meeting with Palmala Handerson
Meeting your kids
Menage a moi
Mess with the menorah
Milk the moose
Milk the self
Milking Mohammed
Milking one's self
Milking the Bull
Milking the cow
Milking the Lizard
Milking the lizard
Milking the Monkey
Milking the moose
Milking the mule
Milking the muscle
Milking The Snake
Milking the weasel
Milking your wood
Million sperm march
Minding my own business
Moisturizing your hands with your beauty bar
Molesting the mole
Moulding hot plastic
Mount a corporal and four
Mount the Mormon
Mounting a corporal and four
Much goo about nothing
Muscling up
My sex life!
Nerk your Throbber
Null the void
Oil the Glove
Oiling the baseball bat
Oiling the glove
Oiling the mighty dick hinge
Oiling the pogo stick
on the helmet of love
Onan's Olympics
One gun salute
One gun salute
One hand clapping
One Handed Clapping
One handed humpty hump love pump, The
One handed rodeo, The
One handed shim sham
One man band
One Man Show
One Man Tug-O-War
One off the wrist
One stop shopping
One-armed skiing
One-handed workout
One-legged race, The
One-man orgy
One-man ring toss
One-man show
One-man tug-o-war
One-night-stand with yourself
Opening the flood gates
Opening up a bottle of Squirt
Organ solo
Pack your Palm
Packing your palm
Paddle the Pickle
Paddling the pickle
Pain the Walls
Paint the Pews
Paint the Pickle
Painting the ceiling
Painting the flag pole
Painting the picket fence
Painting the pickle
Painting the walls
Painting your pants
Palm the calm
Palming the calm
Pam Anderson Polka
Passing the Collection Plate
Pasting pages
Pat the Robertson
Pattin' the puppy

Paying at the turnpike
Pedal and crank
Pee Wee pleaser
Peeing children
Peel Some Chilis
Peel the Banana
Peel the Carrot
Peeling some chilis
Peeling the banana
Peeling the carrot
Performing a self-test
Performing diagnostics on your man tool
Perling the oyster
Personally in the "Biblical Sense"
Pet the lizard
Peter beater
Petting the lizard
Petting the one eyed snake
Petting the puppy
Petting the python
Petting your animal
Petting Your Dog
phallengetic motion
Phoning the czar
Pip the pumpkin
Pipping the pumpkin
Plaguing the locust
Play a little five-on-one
Play a one-stringed guitar
Play five against one
Play in a one-man show
Play peek-a-boo
Play pocket pinball
Play Pocket Pool
Play tag with the pink torpedo
Play the organ
Play the Organ
Play the Piss Pipe
Play the Pisser
Play the Skin Flute
Play the Stand-Up Organ
play the upright organ
Play tug-o-war with Cyclops
Play Uno
Play With Yourself
Playin' the bone-a-thon
Playin' with hardballs
Playin' with yourself
Playing a little five-on-one
Playing a one-stringed guitar
Playing a round of solitaire
Playing Billy Squier on the skin flute
Playing five card draw with a handful of jacks
Playing five card stud
Playing in a one-man show
Playing it safe
Playing miniature golf
Playing paintball with white paint
Playing peekaboo
Playing peekaboo with Darth Vader
Playing Peek-A-Boo with Mr. Johnson
Playing ping pong with your ding dong
Playing pocket pinball
Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson
Playing pocket pool
Playing tag with the pink torpedo
Playing the crotch trombone
Playing the flesh flute
Playing the male organ
Playing the one-handed air guitar
Playing the one-stringed melody
Playing the organ
Playing the piss pipe
Playing the pisser
Playing the single-string air guitar
Playing the skin flute
Playing the solo symphony
Playing the stand-up organ
Playing tug-o-war with the cyclops
Playing tug-o-war with the staked vampire 'til he flames up
Playing Uno
Playing With Dick
Playing with my little brother Peter
Playing With Susi Palmer
Playing with Susi Palmer and her five friends
Playing with the pogo stick
Playing with the snake
Playing with the spitting llama
Playing with Yoosef
Playing with your bird

Playing with your noodle
Playing with your turtle (for uncircumcised guys)
Playing with yourself
Playing Yahtzee
Playing Your Instrument
Pleasing your pisser
Pleasuring yourself
Pleasure pumping
plug the mellon
Plugging in the toaster
Plunk your Twanger
Plunking your twanger
Poaching the salmon
Pocket billiards
Pocket Pinball
Pocket pool (through the clothing)
Poke the pudenda in the primate
Pokin' the palm
Poking palm
Pole vaulting
Polish Percy in your palm
Polish the bishop
Polish the Chrome Dome
Polish the family jewels
Polish the Knob
polish the low-quarters (military)
Polish the pope
polish the purple helmet
Polish the Rocket
Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter
Polish the Sword
polish the wand
Polish your Bayonet
Polish Your Gun
Polish your Helmet
Polish your Piece
Polishing Percy in your palm
Polishing the bayonet
Polishing the beak
Polishing the cane
Polishing the chrome dome
Polishing the family jewels
Polishing the fire pole
Polishing the helmet
Polishing the hot rod
Polishing the knob
Polishing the Lighthouse
Polishing the Pink Mustang
Polishing the Pope
Polishing the purple people pleaser
Polishing the rocket
Polishing the rocking horse
Polishing the rod
Polishing the sword
Polishing Thor's Hammer
Polishing your bayonet
Polishing Your Chrome
Polishing your helmet
Polishing your piece
Popping a nut
Popping the blister
Popping the bone
Popping the cork
Popping the Pope
Popping the Porpoise
Popping The Purple Pimple
Popping your top
Pound Off
Pound Off
Pound Paul's Peter
Pound the bald-headed moose
Pound the Proverb
Pound the Pugilist
Pound Your Flounder
Pound Your Piss Pump
Pounding off
Pounding St. Peter
Pounding the bald-headed moose
Pounding the fence post
Pounding the pud
Pounding your flounder
Pounding your piss pump
Pounding your Pud
Pouring off the potatoes
Practicing for the big game
Praising God
Preemptive infanticide
Prepare a bit of penitence
Prepare the carrot
Prepare the holy water
Preparing the carrot
Prime the Pagan
Prime the pump
Priming his Popeness
Priming the pump
Private arm exercise
Prod the peepee
Promoting carpal-tunnel syndrome
Pud wrestling
Pull Off
Pull Off
Pull rank
Pull the bologna pony
Pull the carrot
Pull the goalie
pull the peter
Pull the Pole
Pull the Pope
Pull the pud
Pull the Root
Pull Your Lever
Pull your own leg
Pull Your Pud
Pull your Taffy
Pullin' a few rounds
Pulling Coyote's Tail (native american)
Pulling off
Pulling pud
Pulling rank
Pulling the blue-veined custard chucker
Pulling the blue-veined junket pumper
Pulling the bologna pony
Pulling the carrot
Pulling the Colonel Sanders Heimleich Manuever
Pulling the cord
Pulling the five-knuckle shuffle
Pulling the goalie
Pulling the handbrake
Pulling The Piss Pump
Pulling the pole
Pulling the Pope
Pulling the pork stick
Pulling the root
Pulling the rope
Pulling the single serving soup dispenser
Pulling the weed
Pulling The Wire
Pulling the wire
Pulling Your Goalie
Pulling your love muscle
Pulling your own leg
Pulling your own weight
Pulling your plonker
Pulling your power cord
Pulling your prick
Pulling your pud
Pulling your taffy
Pulling your wire
Pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap
Pulpit the Penis!
Pummel the Pontif
Pummeling the priest
Pump my fist to heaven
Pump the Python
Pump the stump
Pumpin' the poodle
Pumping cream
Pumping For Pleasure
Pumping For Power
Pumping gas at the self-service island
Pumping iron
Pumping the electric goo gun
Pumping the porpoise
Pumping the python
Pumping the soft soap dispenser
Pumping the stump
Punch the clown
Punch the munchkin
Punchin' The Clown
Punchin' the midget
Punchin' The Munchkin
Punching the clown
Punching the possum
Punching the stepson
Punching yourself in the crotch
Punish Percy in your palm
Punishing Percy
Punishing Percy with the palm
Punishing Pontius
Punishing the bishop
Punishing the Evil Merchant
Punishing the Pope
Punishing the priest
purple helmeted warrior of love
Puttin' the tie on
Putting out the smudge stick ( new age)
Putting your best foot forward
Putting your foot down
Putting your thumb in the porridge
Qualifying in the testicular time trial
Raining on your parade
Raising Rasta
Raising Stonehenge
Raising the flag pole
Raising the mainsail
Raising your sail
Ram the Ham
Ramming the ham
Rapid delivery
Rapid one arm pull-ups
Raping your hand
Reading poetry
Releasing the hostages
Releasing the Olympic Doves
Relieving tension
Relishing your hot dog
Reverse osmosis
Ricky boxing
Ride the Great White Knuckler
Riding the five-legged pony
Riding the Great White Knuckler
Riding the lightning
Ringing the bell
Ringing the rag
Ringing Your Neck
Rippin' the rocket
Rocket piloting
Rockin' the rooster
Roll your own
Rolling it off the lot
Rolling The Cigar
Rolling The Fleshy Blunt
Rolling the fleshy blunt
Rolling your own
Roman Helmet Rhumba
Romancing the bone
Romeo and Himself
Rootin' for the Yankees
Rope the Pony
Ropin' the long horn
Roping the pony
Roping the Pope
Roughing the passer
Roughing up the Suspect
Rounding Up the Tadpoles
Routin' for the Yankees
Rub off
Rub One Out
Rub the pink eraser
Rub the Unicorn's Horn
Rub Up Rub Out
Rubbing Buddha's special belly
Rubbing Buddha's tummy
Rubbing off
Rubbing one out
Rubbing Peter to pay Paula
Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
Rubbing The Genie Bottle
Rubbing the magic one-eyed wonder weasel
Rubbing the pink eraser
Rubbing the Rabbi
Rubbing the rod
Rubbing the unicorn's horn
Rubbing the worry beads
run for his money
Run off a batch by hand
Running in single-user mode
Running off a batch by hand
Running the cheeta
Sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights
Sacrificing sperm to the god of lonely nights
Safest sex
Sailing the Arc
Sailing the mayonnaise seas
Salting the communion wafer
Salting your nuts in the shell
Saluting the general
Sampling the secret sauce
Sand wood
Sanding the main mast
Sanding the obelisk
Sanding wood
Saying a private prayer in the Church of the First Holy Monkey
Saying hello to Mr. Winkie
Scalpin' the injun
Scarring Ascarias
Schnauzer Shuffleboard
Scour the tower of power
Scouring the tower of power
Scraping the bottom of the barrel
Scraping the carrot
Scraping Your Carrot
Scraping your horn
Scratchin' the itch
Scratching the cat pole
Scratching the Itch
Screwing your courage to the sticking place
Screwing your girlfriend Handgella
Scromping the camper
Seamen reporting for duty on the skin boat
Seasonin' Your Meat
Secret handshake
See Mrs. Palmer & Five Daughters
Seeding the carpet
Self abuse
Self catering
Self Love
Self Service
Self-induced penile regurgitation
Self-inflicted intercourse
Sending a boy to the Academy
Sending out the Troops
Sending the devil his due
Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram
Sex with someone you really love
Shake hands with Abe Lincoln
Shake hands with the midget
Shake hands with your John Thomas
Shake hands with your wife's best friend
Shake hands with Yul Brynner
Shake the sauce
Shake the sausage
Shake the Snake
Shakin' hands with Little Richard
Shakin' the snot off your frog
Shaking coconuts from the love tree
Shaking Hands With Abe Lincoln
Shaking hands with beef
Shaking hands with Dr. Winky
Shaking hands with Jack McNasty
Shaking hands with Johnson
Shaking hands with Mr. Happy
Shaking Hands with Mr. President
Shaking Hands With Shorty
Shaking Hands With the
Shaking hands with the boss
Shaking hands with the general
Shaking hands with the goblin of love
Shaking Hands With the Governor
Shaking hands with the midget
Shaking hands with the one-eyed trouser trout
Shaking hands with the President
Shaking hands with the unemployed
Shaking hands with your John Thomas
Shaking hands with your wife's best friend
Shaking hands with Yul Brenner
Shaking the bottle
Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk
Shaking the dice
Shaking the hand of the self-employed
Shaking the sauce
Shaking the sausage
Shaking the snake
Shaking the sugar tree
Shaking the white-out pen
Shaking Your Trees
Sharpening your pencil
Shavin' the carrot
Shellac the shillelagh
Shellacking the shellaleigh
Shemp the hog
Shemping the hog
Shifting Gears
Shifting to fifth gear with the pork spear
Shine Your Pole
Shining The Helmet
Shining the pork sword
Shining the shaft
Shining the shank
Shining your pole
Shinning Your Trophy
Shlackin' the glacknoid
Shoot for the moon
Shoot the airplane
Shootin' your splouge
Shooting Cupid's arrow
Shooting Enemies
Shooting flies
Shooting for the moon
Shooting for the stars
Shooting Putty at the Moon
Shooting Sherman
Shooting skeet (pull...shoot)
Shooting tadpoles at the moon
Shooting the pump action porridge gun
Shooting the sherbert
Shooting to score
Shooting your wad
Shooting yourself in the foot
Shuck your corn
Shuckin' Bubba
Shucking the corn
Siezing Ceasar
Simple infanticide
Singing with Donny Osmond
Sizing things up
Skipping rope
Slack the Subgenius
Slaking the bacon
Slam the ham
Slam the hammer
Slam the salmon
Slam the Spam
Slammin' the Salami
Slamming the hammer
Slamming the salmon
Slamming the spam
Slamming the sump-pump
Slap Boxing the One-Eyed Champ
Slap high fives with Yul Brynner
Slap it
Slap My Happy Sacks
Slap pappy
Slap the carrot
Slap the clown
Slap the donkey
Slap the purple-headed yogurt pistol
Slap the Saint
Slap the Salami
Slap-Boxing the One-Eyed Champ
Slappin' Pappy
Slappin' the purple-headed yogurt pistol
Slapping high fives with Yul Brynner
Slapping it
Slapping Johnny on the back
Slapping my happy sacks
Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
Slapping the carrot
Slapping the Clown
Slapping the clown
Slapping the Cyclops
Slapping the donkey
Slapping the FleshGopher
Slapping the meat
Slapping the pud
Slapping the salami
Slapping your Chub
Slaying the beast
Slaying the dragon
Slicking the stick
Slinging Jelly
Slinging the jelly
Slip the Shinto
Slip the Shinto
Sloppy Joe's Last Stand
Sloppy Sign Language
Smack the salami
Smackin' Isaiah
Smacking Bob around
Smacking the monkey
Smacking the oompa loompa
Smacking the salami
Smacking the snake
Smacking the weasel
Smacking the yak 'til it spits back
Smacking your Sister
Smite the dragon
Smiting the pink knight
Smoking the bratworst
Snap the Monkey
Snap the rubber
Snap the Whip
Snappin' off a batch
Snapping one off
Snapping the carrot
Snapping the monkey
Snapping the radish
Snapping the rubber
Snapping the whip
Snapping your carrot
Solitary sin, The
Solo flight
Solo marathon
Solo sex
Solo spurting
Soup of the day
Spackling the ceiling
Spank Elvis
Spank the bishop
Spank the wank
Spank your Monkey
Spank your Monkey
Spanking Cheetah
Spanking Elvis
Spanking Frank
Spanking the bishop
Spanking the frank
Spanking the monkey
Spanking the plank
Spanking the rooster
Spanking the salami
Spanking the wank
Spanking up a batch
Speaking into the microphone
Spear Chucking
Spear chucking
Spearing the Spartans
Spending some quality time with yourself
Spending your Christmas bonus
Spermin' Herman the one-eyed German
Spewing your load
Spilling my children on my belly
Spit-polishing the purple helmet
Spit-shine the purple helmet
Spitting up
Splashing one out
Splurtin' the spladder bladder
Spreading the Mayo
Spunk the monk
Spunking the Monk
Spurtin' Bert
Squashing the sea monkey
Squeeze the cheese
Squeeze the Cream From the
Squeeze the Cream From the Flesh Twinkie
Squeeze the juice
Squeeze the Lemon
squeeze the lotion dispenser
Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube
Squeeze your cheese-dog
Squeezing out vestral toothpaste
Squeezing the Burrito
Squeezing the Charmin
Squeezing the cheese
Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
Squeezing the glue
Squeezing the happy lumberjack
Squeezing the juice
Squeezing the lemon
Squeezing the snake with the turtleneck sweater
squeezing the tomato
Squeezing the Tube of Tooth Paste
Squeezing the tube of toothpaste
Squeezing the weasel
Squeezing your cheese-dog
Squirt Around
Squirting off your load in the school bathroom
Squishing the fish
Staff Meeting
Staining the robe of many colors
Stall clapping
Stall clapping
Starting the day off right
Stewing in your own juices
Stinky pinky
Stir the batter
Stir the soup
Stir the yogurt
Stirring the batter
Stirring the soup
Stirring the yogurt
Stoking the fire
Strain the main vein
Strainin' the main vein
Straining your cabbage
Strangle the Sacred Staff
Strangling Kojak
Strangling the hog
Strangling the one-eyed trouser snake
Strangling the Serpent
Strangling the snake
Strangling the Wonka
Stress relief for a personal appendage
Stretching the limo
Stretching the truth
Stretching the turtle neck
Striking The Match
Striking the pink match
Striking your match
Strip-mining with the spaghetti man
Stripping the bark off your wood
Stroke it
Stroke Off
Stroke the carrot
Stroke the mole
Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko
Stroke the salami
Stroke the satin-headed serpent
Stroke the Stallion
Stroke the steeple
Stroke the steeple
Stroke 'til you spew
Stroke your poke
Stroke your Twinkie
Strokin' the mule
Strokin' the sausage
Stroking it
Stroking off
Stroking the balony pony
Stroking the dog
Stroking the lizard
Stroking the mole
Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
stroking the salami
Stroking the satin-headed serpent
Stroking the snake
Stroking the squirmin' German
Stroking the stallion
Stroking the wiener
Stroking your Goat
Stroking your goat
Stroking your poker
Stroking your pud
Stroking your twinkie
Stromming the Thurmond
Strummin' my six inch
Strumming the one-string harp
Studying for a math test
Succumb to the Sadist
Sucker-punching the blind webster
Sueeze one off
Swickin' it
Swinging the jump rope
Swinging the light saber
Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber
Swinging the royal red reproduction rod
Tadpole rodeo, The
Tagging off
Take matters into your own hands
Take part in population control
Take the fifth
Take the monster for a one-armed ride
Takin' the bunt sign
Taking a core sample
Taking a few practice shots
Taking a five minute vacation south of the border
Taking a load off
Taking a nap
Taking a Shake Break
Taking advantage of yourself
Taking Captain Picard to Warp-Speed
Taking care of business
Taking control of yourself
Taking Herman to the circus
Taking little Elvis to Graceland
Taking Little Johnny dancing down at Knuckle Junction
Taking matters into your own hands
Taking ol' one eye through the fly
Taking ol' one eye to the Knuckle Shuffle
Taking part in population control
Taking some time off
Taking the dog for a walk
Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
Taking the monster for a one-armed ride
Taking the sperm whale for a walk
Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
Talk quietly to yourself
Talking quietly to yourself
Talking turkey
Tame the shrew
Tame the wild hog
Taming Goliath
Taming of the shrew, The
Taming the shrew
Taming the wild hog
Tamping your tater
Tap the turkey
Tapping the turkey
Target practice
Target practice with the yogurt gun
Target practicing with white ammo
Taunt the one-eyed weasel
Taunting the one-eyed weasel
Teaching a one-eyed Chinaman how to dance
Teaching him a lesson
Teaching the Cyclops the lambada
Teaching your kids to swim
Tease one out
Tease the Python
Tease the Weasle
Teasing the purple-headed custard chucker
Teasing the python
Teasing the Viking
Teasing the weasel
Teasing the weenie
Teeing off
Tenderize the Meat
Tenderize the tube steak
Tenderizing your meat
Tending to your own affairs
Test your batteries
Test-firing the meat missle
Testicular tensile strength test
Testicular Testament
Testing the hand cream dispenser
Testing the testament
Testing the testicles
Testing your batteries
Tethering the blimp
That crazy hand jive
The Abysmal Baptismal
The art of Unisex
The Colonel Sanders Heimleich Maneuver
The erky jerk
The Erky Jerk
The five digit disco
The five-finger hustle with Russel the one-eyed love muscle
The five-knuckle shuffle on the old piss pipe
the old piss pipe
The serta solo
The Sticky Page Rhumba
Thrash your thing
Thrashing the weasel
Threading a Needle
Throbbing the knob
Throttle the bottle
Throttle the theologian
Throw off a Batch
Throw off a catch
Throwin' Down
Throwing a shower
Throwing off a batch
Throwing one
Throwing the hamster against the wall
Throwing up mayo
Throwing your hand on the bed and raping it
Thump the pump
Thump your thong
Thumping the pump
Thumping your pud
Thwackin' the sack
Tickle the Elmo
Tickle the ivory
Tickle the Pickle
Tickle the taco
Tickle your goodfoot
Tickling my fancy
Tickling the dragon's tail
Tickling the ivory
Tickling the one-eyed weasel
Tickling the pickle
Tickling the Polish salmon
tickling the turkey
Tipping off the inspector
Toilet sailing
Torkin' the fork
Torqueing the turtle
Torturing the tentacle
Toss off
Toss the Boss
Toss the midget
Toss the snag
Toss the Turkey
Toss yogurt
Tossing off
Tossing Poseidon's Trident
Tossing the boss
Tossing the salad
Tossing the sauce
Tossing the snag
Tossing the spam javelin
Tossing the turkey
Tossing the white ball
Tossing yogurt
Touch off a batch of orphans
Touch the torah
Touch the torah
Touching the penis
Training the Alter Boy
Transubstantiate my tube-steak
Treating yourself right
Trolling for the one-eyed walleye
Trolling for trouser trout
Trouser snake CPR
Trouser trout dancing lesson
Tube sock tango
Tug of war with Cyclops
Tug the slug
Tuggin' the timber
Tugging Mount Love
Tugging old beater
Tugging the rope
Tugging the slug
Tugging the tapioca tube
Tugging the tossle
Tugging the tubesteak
Tugging the turkey
Tugging your Tapioka Tube
Tugging your Toobsteak/Toobsnake
Tugging your tubesteak
Tuning my horn
Tuning the Antenna
Tuning your organ
Turning Japanese (UK - one step beyond wanking)
Turning Moses' staff back into a snake
Turning on the ivory faucet
Turning on your fire hose
Turning water into wine
Tussle with your muscle
Tussling the Muscle
Twang your wire
Twanging the wire
Tweak your Twinkie
Twist your crank
Twisting your crank
Twisting your tool
Typing with one hand
Uncorking the bottle
Uncorking the champagne
Underarm javelin in the meat olympics
Unleashing the alabaster yak
Unloading the gun
Unmasking Darth Vader
Unpacking the moving van
Unsheathing the pork sword
Unwapping the Pepperoni
Unwrapping the pepperoni
Using the Force on Darth Vader
Using the force on your meat saber
Using the ol' 1 wood
Varnish the flagpole
Varnishing the banister
Varnishing the Cane
Varnishing the flagpole
Vibrating the viper and making him spit poison
Vinegar stroke
Violating the hedge-hog
Violating Vishnu
Visiting Old Faithful
Visiting Rosy Palm and her five daughters
Visiting the five-fingered widow
Visiting with Papa Smurf
Wacking a lap
Wacking off
Wacking the one-eyed worm
Wacking the paddle
Wacking the weasel
Wacking the weiner
Wacking the willie
Wagging the dog
wait for the posse to come
Wake the dead
Wakey wakey hands off snakey
Waking the dead
Waking up your bro
Waking Wee Willie Winkle
Walk the Dog
Walk the plank
Walking a mile in Mr. Wiggly's shoes
Walking the dog
Walking the plank
Walking the snake
Walking Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm
Wallowing in self pity
Waltzing with Willy
Wang whacking
Wank off
Wank the Willy Wonka
Wank with the one-eyed wonder weasel
Wanking off
Wanking the crank
Wanking with the one-eyed wonder weasel
Warm up dinner for the altar boys
Warming up the altar boy's dinner
Wash the meat
Washing the elephant's trunk
Washing the meat
Washing the wolverine
Wasting your wad
Watching the geyser
Waving the Magic Wand
Wax the Buick
Wax the carrot
Wax the dolphin
Wax the Rod
Wax your Jackson
Wax your Weasel
Wax your Willy
Waxin' n' Milkin'
Waxing Eve's Apple
Waxing pedro
Waxing the beanpole
Waxing the car
Waxing the carrot
Waxing the Dolphin
Waxing the flipper
Waxing the old goal post
Waxing the rocket
Waxing your Jackson
Waxing your surfboard
Waxing your weasel
Waxing your Willy
Whack it
Whack Off
Whack the bag
Whack the weasel
Whack the Witness
Whack Willy
Whack your tack
Whack Your Tack
Whackin' the weasel
Whacking it
Whacking off
Whacking the axe
Whacking the weed
Whacking Willy
Whacking your tack
Whapping your wang
Whip the Birdie
Whip the cummy
Whip the Dummy
Whip the one-eyed trouser snake
Whip the one-eyed worm
Whip the rat
Whip the stiff
Whip the wire
Whip up some sour cream
Whip your cripper
Whip your dripper
Whippin' the whopper
Whipping off
Whipping skippy
Whipping the balls
Whipping the bishop
Whipping the dummy
Whipping the One-Eyed
Whipping the one-eyed trouser snake
Whipping the one-eyed wonder weasel
Whipping the pony
Whipping the rat
Whipping the stiff
Whipping the walrus
Whipping the window washer
Whipping the wire
Whipping up a batch
Whipping up some sour cream
Whipping Willy the one-eyed wonder-worm
Whipping your dripper
Whistle Dixie
White Water Wristing
Whitewashing with Huck and Tom
White-water wristing
Whittle the stick
Whittling The stick
Whittling Your Stick
Whizzin' jism
Whizzin' Jizz
Whizzin' Jizzim
Whomping the walrus
Wiggling your walrus
Wiggling your worm
Willy tickle
Winding my watch
Winding the Jack In The Box
Windsurf on Mount Baldy
Windsurfing on Mount Baldy
Wind-up The Toy
Wing it
Wonder Weasle
Wonk your conker
Wonking your conker
Wonking your donk
Work one out
Work things out
Workin' out a stiff joint
Workin the Wise Man
Workin the Wise Man
Working a Cramp out of your Muscle
Working at your own speed
Working for the second coming
Working late at the office
Working off
Working off a batch
working out your problems
Working overtime at the meat factory
Working up a batch
Working up a foamy lather
Working without Annette
Working your Willy
Wrestle the dragon
Wrestle the eel
Wrestling Jimmy
Wrestling the alligator
Wrestling the bald-headed champ
Wrestling the bald-headed sumo
Wrestling the Eel
Wrestling the gator
Wrestling the one-eyed monster
Wrestling the purple-headed warrior
Wrestling with Jimmy
Wrestling with the bald champ
Wrestling with the one-eyed superhero
Wring Out your Rope
Wring Your Thing
Wringing out your rope
Wringing 'round the rosie
Wringing the weasel
Wringing your thing
Wringing your weasel
Wrist aerobics
Yank my Doodle (It's a Dandy)
Yank my doodle dandy
Yank Off
Yank the crank
Yank the Yodle
Yank the yo-yo
Yank your Crank
Yank your plank
Yank your yam
Yankin' it
Yankin' your chain
Yankin' your Franklin
Yanking off
Yanking the crank
Yanking the doodle
Yanking the yoyo
Yanking Yahweh
Yanking your chain
Yanking your crank
Yanking your plank
Yanking your Yoda
Yogurt slinging
your bald pig Sally
Zap the zoroastrian
Zipper Olympics
Zipper surfing
Zygote spraying


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